Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Something we hadn't considered....

As we've previously mentioned, one of the benefits of having a two year engagement is that we can research and plan everything very carefully.

We've considered every minute detail, and the things that have taken most of our consideration (and money) are things that will affect our guests. We have spent a lot of money on our venue, food and entertainment, as these are things that all our guests will get to enjoy throughout the day and evening, whereas we are spending less money on our dresses, cake etc. Its really important to us that everyone has a good time, especially as none of our guests live in our venue location. In addition to this, we have spent ages planning our guest lists, so that everyone has someone they know (and due to this, have gone over our planned numbers!)

We've worried about suppliers being fully booked, affording everything, people liking the food, the weather, having time to set up our venue on the day, people being bored if there is a gap, which hotel rooms to use, our vows...the list goes on. One thing we didn't consider, that absolutely never crossed our mind, is that people wouldn't come.

We have started to send out our save the dates, as it is about a year until our big day, mainly because we are marrying on a week day and people will need to organise time off work. And we have already had 6 'no's (about a fifth of our day time list!).

The first 'no' we had was from L's uncle (dad's sister's husband) who has aways been really nice to us both, to the point of L's granny telling him to stop chatting to us incase he was boring us! He is however, extremely religious, which perhaps explains his refusal to come to our wedding due to 'not agreeing with it'. He didn't express this view to us personally, we were told through other members of L's family- who weren't happy with his decision, and told him so. His wife, however, is still coming, and as she is wheelchair bound, is bringing a carer instead of her husband.

I then had a phone call from my mum to say my aunty (her sister) and uncle weren't coming. They gave the excuse that our wedding day is on her birthday and they had planned to go to Devon for the week. She's known the date of the wedding for a long time, and even commented something along the lines of 'oh thats nice, its on my birthday', but, she said, it's her 65th, so after much consideration they've decided they would rather go away to celebrate that week. She has now admitted to her sister it's because neither her or her husband 'agree with it' (see the theme appearing?!). This has caused much more of a problem than L's uncle not wanting to come, as my mum is absolutely furious with her sister, and has taken it really personally. This also means their grown - up son won't be coming either.

Finally two of L's uncles, and its simply because they cannot get childcare for the two nights they are staying (the ceremony is at 12 and they have a 4hr drive so are staying the previous night too). Fair enough, especially as their wives (L's aunties - her dads sisters) are still coming. For this we completely understand, and are really honoured that her aunties are coming still. They'll probably have more fun with no husbands or children anyway!

Although in a way it doesn't matter if people don't come - we are still over our numbers without them coming after all - it is somewhat disheartening. Firstly, to be saving so hard and worrying so much that everyone will have a nice time, and a handful don't actually even want to come. Secondly, to know that close family members, who you always thought were completely fine with your choice of partner, and have spent time with you both, secretly have so much of a problem with it that they refuse to come to your wedding - that is a really odd feeling. I also dislike the way no-one has told us directly, we have had to find out by them telling a relative, who's told another relative, who've told us.

At least Willow doesn't mind having two mummies!
I find the very common excuse 'I don't agree with it' difficult to accept. Don't agree with what? As individuals we are fine, as a couple we are fine, but if we want to get married they suddenly have a problem? We have been together for 7 1/2 years, have a home together and have decent jobs. We work hard to make sure we can look after ourselves and each other, we make each other happy and always solve any problems we have by communicating well. We love making our friends and family happy. We aren't bad people, yet sometimes people seem to act as though we are doing something wrong by getting married. Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and as I have said regarding my views on marriage equality - I completely respect peoples right to disagree with gay marriage, as long as they are respecting that gay people should be able to get married if they want to. This is a similar situation - if they don't agree with gay marriage thats fine, but I cannot grasp the notion that they can feel strongly enough to refuse to go to a close family members wedding, but not strongly enough to have a problem with us being a couple.

Despite this initial confusion, surprise and disappointment, we can't say its something that will cause us great unhappiness. I have always joked as long as L turns up I'm not bothered who else does, and I'd rather not pay a lot of money to have someone at my wedding who is secretly thinking 'ugh, I don't agree with this'. This way, we know everyone there is happy for us, and loves us, and thats more important than a perfectly worked out table plan - spending the day with people we love and who love us will make our wedding day amazing.

So, our wedding plans now have a guest list and table plan that needs some adjusting, and at least one family row. Wow, and here we were worried that the flowers wouldn't match the bridesmaids dresses!

Love is all you need


  1. That's right! Love is all you need. You really only want the people who love and support you two and your relationship. We thought we were going to be over our numbers too and a week before the wedding, we had 11 people say they weren't coming. And on THE day of the wedding, four more people canceled. At first, it really stung but when I saw all the people who WERE there, my heart almost burst. The people who will be there are the people who are supposed to be there. Hugs!

  2. Your day will be amazing. Everyone who loves and supports you will be there and that's all that matters.

    Clara and I had a very small wedding and even had friends who just never replied to invites. One family member who came was very religious and he came up to us at the end of the day and said that he had no idea what to expect and he was surprised by how lovely and perfect it was. Which made me happy as I had always respected him highly in my family.

    We look back at who was there to witness our love. That makes us happy.

  3. Hey lovelies, we can only reiterate what's been said and that whatever happens you will be surrounded by people who love and want the best for you both! The fact that you have put so much time, thought & preparation into it will no doubt mean it will be an AMAZING day and those who decide not to come will be missing out! Like you said why should they have an issue with a loving, committed couple making their relationship official?! And it's so frustrating when people don't say it to your face - it reminds me of religious people who aren't interested in having a 'discussion' about their beliefs - they are to afraid their reasoning will be destroyed by logic :) Sending you Lots of Love Sarah & Laura xoxo

  4. Hi...I am sending this message all the way from San Diego, CA. I am friends with Leah who first posted above on this entry (LeLi68). I am 2 days away from my same-sex wedding which is not legal yet out here (we are still waiting for our lovely state to lift the ban which has already been found unconstitutional)!

    It stings badly when you find out who truly supports your relationship...I know it well. It feels like when you come out all over again. I remember it feeling like losing similar friendships, relationships...just because of who I love. Because something in me cannot look at the person the same way anymore. I know that it probably shouldn't be that way. Is that me judging them? a degree, yes. But I feel while they feel they are somehow validated in "protecting their beliefs" above thinking about the hurt they cause in the nonchalant way they throw about such sentences like "it's against my beliefs so I cannot attend your wedding, but I love you and xyz, and I'll see you at Christmas"...what?? it's as if I have to take their response at face value and suck it up! ummmm NO...I get to protect me, MY loved ones, MY personal space and MY belief that you are just a jerk and that this is in NO way a reflection of love and support so we will steer clear of you from now on! That is how I feel about it. I have not had to be that brash or brazen with most but unfortunately yes, I have had to separate for what I have told them is for the healthy and safety of MY family and our daughter because we choose not to be around such ignorance.

    Now in terms of the wedding and how it will feel as you approach that day and on that day. You won't know until you get there yourself. I will admit that our day is panning out to be perfect the way it is. We have more friends than family coming but that is fine. They are family too. My family who is traveling cross country to be here, well they are the ones who have always been consistent in my life. It will be a great day no matter what it looks like on the other end.

    Just keep your heads up, continue to nurture your relationship and when you get angry or sad that someone is not coming to the wedding because of their "personal beliefs" on same-sex marriage, remember it is their bullshit excuse for their own needs, has nothing to do with your beautiful expression of love (probably makes them feel awkward that they can't live up to how grand yours is lol) and go punch a pillow hahaha

    much love and luck to you ladies!!

  5. It's so comforting (yet infuriating) to read that other lesbian brides have the same guest's opinions and/or last minute cancellations/no-shows from the people that are supposed to love us. It hurt us so, so much. Even my SISTER insinuated that we "skip" the "you may now kiss the bride(s)" part of the marriage ceremony!?! And I feel like I don't know her anymore, since that day.
    Also, I had an Uncle that turned up to the wedding, told us how beautiful and touching the ceremony was, ate his 4-course meal and then mentioned to my cousins, just casually, that he doesn't AGREE with gay marriage!?!? I heard about this after the wedding and I'm still fuming at him being so two-faced! �� X


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