It's funny really, you are going about your life, minding your own business when BANG, it hits you like a thunderbolt...
"I want a baby".
No, hang on, its worse than that, more like
"WE NEED TO HAVE A BABY. RIGHT. NOW".
It seems there is nothing you can do about it, this desire just hits you like there really IS a biological clock and it has suddenly made itself rather unavoidably loud. And does not shut up. Ever. Now the thing is I (L) have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. I have always believed that just to be a Mum is my life's calling; I dreamt of holding a baby of my own ever since I held my dolls as a tiny girl. But this is worse, the desire to be a parent with my soulmate is an intense ache that makes my heart and my ovaries join force to question why not do it right now?
S on the other hand was never really in to the whole mummyhood idea - she just didn't think it was for her. She still doesn't want the 'a mum is all I am' mindset, and will never change her Facebook picture to one of her baby, or discuss its toilet habits with anyone forced to listen! She still doesn't ever want to carry a baby, which works out really well as I couldn't ever let S carry our children - it has to be something I do, it could never be any other way. But it seems as though the closer we grow the more our roles within parenting emerge - I will carry the child(ren), and she will be the most incredible support to me throughout pregnancy, I know she will, she's incredible at everything she does. She makes the most amazing Mummy to Willow, it gives me glimpses of how she will be with our baby, and it makes my heart melt. Willow has taught us how to grow something with love, and kindness, to demand respect by giving it, not through authority, and has shown us what an awesome partnership we will make.
Its perhaps because of Willow that we have both reached the stage we have now, we need a baby! Honestly, they're everywhere. Yes I bring the little things into the world, but S returns home full of adorable tales of babies she has seen out with their parents, in cute slings, or wandering around chattering and shopping. She tells me of conversations she's had with them in the shop, and the times she has played peekaboo on the train with them. And the way she tells me, full of happiness and hope, lets me know just how amazing she will be with our baby, and that makes me want one even more.
We have talked about their names, what they'll look like (her, hopefully!), possible nursery themes and places we want to take them. We want a baby so very much that it seems we can't do much without discussing what it'd be like to be there with a little one strapped to us. We talk about how it'll be born (in our peaceful beautiful home if possible), how we'll cope with the early demands of parenting and who we'll tell first about our new arrival. We talk about the places we want to show them, the things we want them to learn, and how very much we'll love them. Because a part of us already does.
So why not? Why not go for it? Well, we want to be married, for a start. We are both very traditional and absolutely believe that marriage is a brilliant foundation for a family. And then....who knows...
But I have to say I am glad that we are making ourselves wait for a better time. I wouldn't want to be a pregnant bride, for a start! And the time before our world changes by a new arrival will be spent very happily enjoying our life together; I love that we can go our for dinner, or to the cinema at the drop of a hat. We can pack up the car and head off to London, Brighton, anywhere we choose, without needing to employ a minor military operation. And we can spend our time as we chose - late nights, long lie - ins, anything we wish, without being dictated to by a tiny being.
There's also the tiny matter of making the baby! I think Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Stone's characters sum it up perfecting in If These Walls Could Talk 2;
"So we'll never know what that would be like, if just by our love, if just by one night of our love, that
we accidentally get pregnant. If we had that kind of luck, we could say, "Look what we did" out of our love."
But equally, by having to go through so much to make a baby, it will ensure that when the right time
does arrive, that child will be so loved, so very wanted, and we will have worked so hard to get to that point that from then on we can just enjoy our future as a family of three (and more!).