Friday, 31 January 2014

The 'children' question...

"You've been married six months now so…" *nervous glance to see if anyone is listening*
"…errm..are you and Sarah you know....planning a errrm" *whispers* "family?"

This has become a fairly standard part of life, from many people. Anyone who knows me, and I mean actually KNOWS me, knows that having children has been something that will be in my future ever since I was about five. Surprisingly, being a lesbian doesn't alter my desire to bring my own little darling in to the world. But those who 'know' me, but don't KNOW me (IE are colleagues or friends of friends), are very intrigued by this children question. I suspect they are asking more out of their own curiosity about how two women go about making babies, rather than their desire to know if I will actual procreate.

What amazes me is that in so many aspects of life, I am considered, by every single person I come across, as normal. I 'came out' at work slowly, but every time to a very lovely and uninterested (in a really good way) reaction. Generally people didn't care if I loved a man, woman or elephant, they were just happy that I was obviously so happy. Next came the announcement of our engagement, which again was met with a very excited but unfazed response; we love each other so we are getting married, end of. Generally people assumed we would both wear a dress (I am hardly the type to wear a suit after all), generally people assumed that our Dads would walk us down the aisle, we would cut the cake, have a first dance etc, so when people asked if we would do all of these things, it was very much in a way as to confirm what they already thought.

But all of this is weirdly juxtaposed against the children question. It's like love and marriage is one thing, but CHILDREN?! You are actually going to inflict all of this on a poor innocent child?? It often surprises me how differently people react to my best friend and I - we are the same age, we have been with our partners for roughly the same length of time, I am married, she isn't, she's straight, I'm not. And that is where the differences start and end, we are incredibly similar in lots of way. And unsurprisingly, we both want children! Odd eh? It amazes me that people ask her the question in a way as to confirm what they already think - of course she wants children, she's a 28 year old, settled woman. And then nervously glance around whilst asking me exactly the same, wondering how on earth this could possible be.

But the answer is yes, we are going to inflict our life style on a poor innocent child. Because our 'lifestyle' involves two strong, capable women who work incredibly hard to achieve what they want, and strongly believe that pretty much anything is possible if you are willing to work hard for it. We also believe in love. Strong, passionate, unconditional love, that binds people together, makes you go out of your way to help when people are hurting or suffering, love that makes you care so deeply about other people that you know that nothing will ever be so bad you cannot get through it, and love that allows you to see the beauty in others before the bad. We are generally very laid back, live our lives in peace and not anger, eat well and enjoy every single opportunity life throws at us. So actually, when people nervously glance around and ask the 'children' question, I will very proudly say yes, we do want children, and I don't think they will do too badly after all. Lesbian mums and all.


  1. This article perfectly summarizes my own experience as well. Whenever people (acquaintances, co-workers, etc.) hear that my girlfriend and I are want to get married, they're super happy and nice about it. When we start talking about kids, it changes entirely. I've had reactions ranging from "How is that possible?" to "It's mean you're not going to let the guy be involved in the baby making process (ie. that the sperm donor somehow belongs in our bedroom)" Thanks for writing about this; I'm glad to know I'm not alone. xx Tay

  2. I've so far had mostly positive reactions from people when I've told them that I wan't children. The worst experience though was when 2 of my closest friends told me and my partner that they think when you...DECIDE to be gay you should give up the right of having children. Bearing in mine these 2 friends are a couple and he has a gay brother and she has 2 lesbian best friends. It shocks me how people can be so careless with their words!


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