*counts on fingers*
I *think* I am 8dpo today. I don't know for certain because we aren't tracking. Either my period will come next week, or it won't. Either we made a baby this month, or we didn't. But I am pretty certain we didn't, and that is fine by us.
So going back to the end of last month's story, despite our positive test, my period came. But interestingly we weren't sad, we were just happy to have an answer. We would have LOVED to have stayed pregnant that month, absolutely over the moon, but it wasn't meant to be, fate says that it wasn't our month, and that's fine by us. Weirdly my biggest emotion was pride, I was so proud of what my body had achieved in such a short space of time, and in our first month of trying, that it didn't matter that it hadn't worked out, it did what it was supposed to, it made us a baby…and then recognised that it wasn't right, and it came to an end.
So for about a week we forgot all about anything to do with having babies and got on with life. We didn't even mention anything to do with fertility….I think we were both quite relieved not to have to think about it anymore. And then the realisation came that we needed to think about THIS cycle, cos as one cycle ends another begins…and if we weren't quick we would miss our chance at getting pregnant this month. So we had a quick discussion about whether or not we wanted to try again this month, agreed we did, and that was that.
A couple of days later we realised we still hadn't ordered any sperm, and we were now in to the second week of this cycle. Oh how different this cycle already felt! So that night we logged on and ordered 4 straws of sperm, to be shipped the following day.
The next day I must have refreshed my email about every 20 seconds for the entire day waiting for the email to confirm they had shipped the sperm. It never came. Argh. So after quite a few tears that we really want a baby, and argh why does all of this have to be so hard, and why can't we just make a baby like other people do, and a few more tears and cuddles, we just accepted that this month was not our month, and that had to be fine by us. We aren't willing to put our lives on hold waiting for our baby to come along…we need to enjoy our lives and if it happens, it happens, and if not, well actually that's ok, because we have each other, and we really don't need anything else.
That was a Friday. On the Monday we had a phone call to say they had tried to deliver the tank and no-one was home. We weren't home because we weren't expecting a delivery!! I was at an away day with work at the time, and so after many frantic phone calls by Sarah to the sperm bank, and then to UPS, and then back to sperm bank, and then to me, we arranged for us to collect it from UPS, in Tamworth, an hours drive from our house, before 6pm that night, or they would be returning the tank and our money would be lost. Cue me bombing up the M5 trying to get home in time to get back from the away day and get to Tamworth to pick up the sperm! Honestly you couldn't make this stuff up!!
Luckily, timing was on our side in terms of ovulation. I had done an ovulation stick before I left which confirmed that the stabbing pain in my side I'd been feeling all day long was definitely ovulation, and that night we did an insemination.
|PJ's and surgical gloves…beautiful!|
On our testing date, the test showed what we already knew, a negative. Whilst disappointed, we believe that what is meant to be will be, and this wasn't our time.
If anything, our four home inseminations (two each ovulation day) have made us view IVF differently - whereas before we felt we were taking ownership of conceiving our baby by trying home insemination, now knowing how difficult this can be, we are quite happy to hand it over to a fertility clinic!
Through all of this process we also reached the top of the waiting list for IVF, and they said to ring on the first day of my next period and we would be ready to start. But their predicted dates meant we would be having egg collection and then transfer just before Christmas, with a two week wait over the Christmas and new year period. Hence our decision to postpone until next spring, and just enjoy the festive period as a family of two. Sorry Willow, family of three…we can't forget you our lovely baby bear!