Saturday, 25 March 2017

On our first Mother's Day

I don't have much time these days, to write as I'd like, so I'll try to keep this short. But i wanted to write this to you, Sarah, on our first Mother's Day.

Dear my beautiful wife,

I remember so clearly on the day i met you, nearly 13 years ago, how much i knew i wanted to have children with you. I fell in love at first sight, i knew it was you, and i knew one day you would be the mother of my children. I remember i told you all this too, you laughed and told me you'd sell the baby on eBay.

As the years went by i told you, in those beautiful nights where we had nothing else to do but to lie in each others arms and talk about our dreams, that my dream was to become a mother. In fact, I'd never wanted anything else in the world as much as I wanted that. Gradually you started to dream of it too, of our future, not just us, but a little person or two too. Our conversations started to begin with "when we have a baby" and "can you imagine when..." And it was always of the 3 of us, or 4 of us, out on an adventure somewhere. Seeing the world as a family, proudly showing off what we know to our little ones.

The journey to our baby was long and at times difficult, but you were my rock. I will never be able to thank you enough for the way you took care of me through the arduous IVF process and then the physically and emotionally difficult pregnancy. It was one of the toughest times of my life, made only easier because you were by my side. There are wonderful memories in there too. The first time you felt our baby kick, that will stay with me forever, finding out he was a boy, celebrating my 30th birthday with him in my tummy, even those long days i spent in hospital, each and every day was made a hundred times more beautiful because we were together, we made the journey our own.

It was single handedly the most beautiful moment of my life, compared only with the moment you became my wife, that moment that our son was placed in to your top in the operating theatre. Right there, on the day you became a mother, something changed in you. I can describe what, or how, but your eyes shine differently now, your smile is so full of even more love. The way you look at life, the way you handle things, it's different now. He changed you, and it's beautiful.

As our son has grown i have seen you question your role in many ways. You are his mother but you aren't with him all day like i am. When he is sad or tired he wants me to comfort him (let's be clear, he wants to breastfeed, he doesn't want me!). You are not the same but you are equal. You are not a father but a mother. A non- carrying mother, a non-bio mother. But you have made motherhood your own and i am so in awe of that. Our son has a smile that is only for you. He laughs with you in a way i have never heard in any other moment of his life. He is fascinated by you, he follows you with his eyes wherever you go, he reaches out to you for you to hold him in your arms. It is clear to see that he already adores every little thing about you. And it's clear to see that you are two peas in a pod. Not only does he look like you, but he likes the things you do, he smiles with your smile, he giggles at the things you find funny too, and he has so much of your personality. Your DNA may not have created him, but your love did, so don't ever ever underestimate the strength of that in him. He is half of you as much as he is half of me.

I don't pretend that your role in all of this is easy. You work longer and harder than you ever have before to give me the gift of being at home with our son, and you will never know how grateful I am to you for that. You gave me my dream, and continue to do so each and every day. You will never, ever realise how much that means to me. And then you come home and have to pick up motherhood where you left off that morning. It's not easy to go to a job knowing you will miss a large part of your son's day, but you do it because you love us. And because of you we live in a beautiful home, surrounded by beautiful things, and more love than we could ever know what to do with. You are a superwoman.

So, on our first Mother's Day i want to thank you. For being you, for being not only the kind, strong, courageous, determined and beautiful woman i married, but now in addition, the patient, funny, imaginative, loving and generous mother you are. I am very lucky to have you, but more than anything, Oskar is so very lucky that he gets to call you Mommy. We love you.

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